Valentine's Day

It seems I will never fully understand or know the level of my capacity to hurt another human being. Much as I would like to believe that I have enough sensitivity in me to keep me from doing or saying hurtful things I know that there's this evil bitch inside me that's always seeking an opportunity to hurt people.

I know what it's like to hurt because of other people's recklesness and insensitivity. I've been hurt too many times by people who said they loved me. I should be the last person to inflict the same kind of pain on those I love. And yet I always end up hurting them anyway.

I know that everything I've accomplished I've accomplished only through God's grace and mercy. I know that without Him I am nothing, as imperfect as anyone could be. And yet because of the things that God has allowed me to see and achieve I have become boastful in the sense that I've looked down on people I think are not doing what I think they should be doing.

I've forgotten that they have the same God. Instead of seeing God as part of their whole picture I only manage to see the imperfections, the weaknesses, faults, sins and mistakes. I forget that without God I am as ugly or even uglier. I am doomed because I have a hard time accepting the very same things that God has decided to overlook in my own life.

I wish to be like my bestfriend Aling Rosa who believes that there's more to what her eyes can see. She chooses to love not based on what she sees but based on what she believes God can accomplish in and through that person over time. She takes her faith to heart in her relationships while I conveniently set mine aside and focus only on what my limited vision allows me to see.

I know God has planned a very happy Valentine's Day for me this year. But as usual the evil bitch in me intervened and messed up His plan, once again. Instead of basking in a love that I've been waiting for I am now hurting because I know I have hurt someone very special to Him.

I can only wish I'd be given the chance to rectify my mistakes, once again.