Purgatory

It's 1:00AM and I still can't sleep. Unlike some people I know, I'm used to sleeping rather early, and waking up late too. But lately, because of my spiritual, emotional and mental state, I've been wasting time on the Net until the wee hours of the morning to keep myself from lying on my bed and contemplating things.

There are so many things going on in my head, and my heart, right now. I know the wise thing to do is to sit down and organize and analyze this chaos inside me. It's a task that's easy enough for me to do. But I'm scared of what might take place during the process or if I can live with the outcome.

You see, once I've sorted things out I'd be forced to see things as they really are and I'd be compelled to react accordingly. I don't think I'm ready for that. I am not prepared to make choices, to let go, to give up, to concede, to accept change, to face the future. Not yet. I need time. Just a little more time.

Friendster and myspace, and those blogs and other websites keep me occupied, distracted. I've been spending countless hours browsing through profiles and online journals of friends who aren't really friends, looking at pictures of people I don't know, peeping into seemingly interesting lives. I've also spent time texting, talking, chatting with people I would never really befriend in real life to fill the gaps, the empty spaces that have come to define my life now.

Since I do not have any urge to go out and pretend I'm okay, the Net has become my limbo. My purgatory. The holding area where I'll stay until I cannot bear the burden anymore, until I have no choice but to finally face the harshness of my reality. I don't know how long this will last and how much more of this ambiguity I can take. What I know is this has to end soon. I cannot put my life on hold forever.

I'll come around to facing my life, my real life, soon. But right now I need to escape. So let me.