So this is how it feels

I am so happy. Now everything is clear to me. The doubts, confusion, and anxiety are gone. I am still uncertain about what’s going to happen after today but I know the rest of my life is going to be one big joyride. There’ll be a lot of difficulties, I’m sure, but I know I will be able to overcome. A lot of the things I’ve been having such a difficult time coping with are still here, pestering me, but God has once again shown me that He is in control. That He knew every risky decision I’ve made will pay off, and in such a big way.

I just had an enlightening conversation with my Dad and as I tried to explain to him what all these means to me it suddenly dawned on me that this is it, the moment I had been waiting for, my graduation day.

Everything is starting to fall into place. I was in tears yesterday as I realized that one of my biggest dreams is finally coming true, that I have already achieved something that I thought was going to be such a difficult feat. And it was so easy. God made it so easy for me.

I thank God that He pulled me back just in time to keep me from falling into the trap of the enemy. I was slowly losing faith. I have started to question the wisdom of my decisions. I became very depressed and desperate--the worst that could happen to me, a person who finds joy in encouraging and influencing others, and even making them laugh.

I was already willing to settle for so much less until last week, when God started sending me little things that erased the clouds that were blocking my vision. I’m talking in riddles here because there are just too many things I can’t explain nor share right now. I guess I just want you to know that I’m okay. In fact, I am so much better than okay. Way better than okay!

I am also truly grateful for people who reminded me that there is reason to hope, and to remain optimistic: my mentors who assured me that I have what it takes to make it by trusting me, and my friends who cried with me and encouraged me and offered as much help as they could even if they too were going through a rough time. And, of course, there’s my family. I am even grateful for the strange strangers who may not have offered real help but have provided me with some, eherm, needed amusement.

I am also amazed that I have found time to encourage and even advise others in the middle of my desperation. I have learned to accept people as they are, to see their real needs and the real cause of their grief and restlessness, as I, too, struggled with my own demons.

Because of all these I am ready to face tomorrow, even if there are daggers and arrows waiting for me there.

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To my friend, who thinks there is no way out of darkness:

I hope you still take time to read my blog. And I hope you really consider me as a friend. We have not been fortunate enough to meet under ideal circumstances but I believe that our friendship is not an accident.

I can only presume to know what you are going through and how bad you are really feeling right now. I can only guess how it is to be in your shoes. I am not about to belittle your pain nor your struggles. Neither do I have the right to condemn you. I know you are really having a tough time right now and you are doing everything you could to numb the pain.

As you very well know, I also have my own bouts with pain, betrayal, desperation, discouragement, and disappointment. I’ve done things to hurt myself, and others. I’ve hated myself for deliberately doing bad things. And I’ve learned that, sometimes, it is so much easier to forgive others, than to forgive myself.

I can only sympathize with you, encourage you, and pray for you, from a distance. Sadly, I really cannot do anything more. But I want you to know that I sincerely believe what I told you before. You are not hopeless. You’re smart, and I know you are conscious of everything that’s happening and fully aware of the consequences of your decisions and actions.

There is a way out of darkness, friend, and I pray that you’ll see it soon. Maybe, you’re just not looking in the right direction, that’s why you can’t see it. But believe me, God will show you, if you ask Him. You just have to believe that He will.

By the way, thank you for being nice and kind to me, and treating me with respect, even if it means keeping yourself away from me (hehe). I really appreciate it, especially now. =)