Losing and moving on

Getting back on the right track, after losing your way can be the hardest thing. It is easy to think that once you've realized you are on the wrong road it will be easy to make a u-turn, and to start moving in the right direction again.

Unfortunately, the process is so much more complicated than that. But, the thing is, you really do not have a choice but to take the first painful step backwards before you can start cruising on the right way.

Just recently I experienced a breakthrough, but, although I am so much happier now than I ever was, my circumstances have remained the same. I still do not know what's gonna happen next after tomorrow. I'm still so scared and insecure about a lot of things. And all I really have is faith.

But I've never been more alive than today. I have learned so many awesome and awful things about myself in the past year since I resigned from my last job. It has been a year of enlightening experiences.

I've realized how strong and weak I can be, depending on the circumstances. I've realized my capacity to love and see a person's wounds for what they really are. At the same time I have also realized my capacity to hate and quickly grow tired of another person's sutpidity. Even if that person is someone I've loved all these years.

I experienced so much joy, so much love, so much hope, so much sorrow, so much pain, so much desperation. It's been one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

I fell in and out of love within 4 months, I've written a book and a half, I've worked with three mentors, I've met friends online, I finally let go of the rockstar (yes, the other one who got away), I've spent days in my room making play-doh cakes, writing poems, sketching, blogging, surfing the net and chatting in adult channels, and mulling my evil desires. I've travelled within and out of the country meeting all sorts of people, some with funny hair and cute ballet slippers, some with handsome faces and blank stares. I almost got hooked by a smooth-talking, brain-dead, ultra-handsome guy although I made sure that I didn't give him a hint that he was this close to bagging me. I encountered psychos-in-denial as well as self-confessed ones and I have realized that I just might have a thing for psychos. Yes, I realized, too, that I am weird, crazy, and adorable that way.

Yes, it's been a good and exciting year, despite (or maybe because of)some difficulties.