Ocean Deep

I recently joined a radical Bible Study Group. The Group is radical in the sense that it urges participants to ask and answer whatever questions they may have rather than to rigidly stick to a lesson plan that usually just ends with one clearly defined conclusion. This process results in enlivening and enlightening discussions.

It’s been a month since I first joined the Group and I can say I have indeed gained some valuable insights about the Bible and the Christian faith from the discussions.

However, there’s one glaring fact I find disconcerting: the discussions made me realize that I am not “deep” enough. I have always thought of myself as a highly introspective person. I like to ask all sorts of questions and to over analyze things until I find some sort of an answer or response. But joining this Group has led me to conclude that I haven’t been doing “enough” thinking--or meditating (if only to sound more spiritual).

I find this thought disconcerting because it has posed questions about my maturity and the strength of my relationship with my God. Could it be that I have been neglectful in nurturing my relationship with Him? Have I become complacent just because I have the assurance that I’m saved and am forever blessed, no matter what happens next?

Browsing through the journal that I have been using for the past two years, I noticed that my concerns were limited to my physical, emotional and mental health, faith, family, finances and my career and calling. My concerns were hardly mind-blowing, nor spiritually profound. I noticed, too, that during the most difficult moments I still managed to write entries with an almost satirical detachment. “This, too, shall pass” was the evident, but certainly not deliberate, key message.

One can easily equate such an attitude with great faith, or sheer indolence, depending on one’s viewpoint. In my case, I’ve purposely chosen not to dwell too much on things I don’t really understand and focus instead on the one thing that I am sure of—I’ll be okay no matter what happens because God promised that He will be by my side all the time. Through the years God has proven himself faithful to me so many times that there is now no reason for me to doubt him. (Although I still do, occasionally, when I am emotionally distressed!)

This may be taken as having great faith or blind faith, I really don’t know. All I know is that my relationship with my God is a personal one and I cannot judge it based on another person’s relationship with Him. In the same vein, I cannot claim to be more mature than the person who asks more significant questions, and neither can he/she claim to be more mature than I am. Only God can tell, if He minds the distinction at all.

God is the one who made me. He made me who I am. If I am meant to ask the toughest questions about life and living then He would have made me that way. But He didn’t. Instead, He made me this way.

I still yearn to understand Him more, that’s a primary need that I will forever have, and the very reason I decided to join this Bible Study in the first place. But I also know that even if I can not spend all the time in the world pondering the questions that bug me I can still have a truly satisfying and enriching relationship with my Father.

After all, the most important aspect of my relationship with Him is the fact that He lovingly regards me as His daughter. And that love that He showers on me is unconditional.

I’m just thankful to know that, just as my earthly father loves me unconditionally (he really couldn’t care less about my IQ and EQ!), my Father in heaven loves me regardless of my “spiritual” quotient.